There has been a change in the landscape of today's school student to student interaction. It is quite different from the one I was a part of growing up. Bullying was as much a part of the experience as lunch tables, sports, and math. It was a part of the life cycle of going to school. Sometimes you were bullied, and sometimes(even without knowing) you were the bully.
I remember during high school a girl who was a bit larger than everyone else in class was getting teased. Me being the grade A, top level "snaps" king that I am, was somehow dragged into the battle of bullying this sweet girl. Now for those of you who don't know what "Snaps" is, it's a form of playing the dozens, or "ranking" on each other. It is intended to be a humorous battle of putting each other down in the most creative yet offensive way. Some comedians whole careers are based off of this technique
Now to understand, I have to first go back and tell you about me being bullied, I was a rail thin kid who was born blind, and had several eye surgeries, and had to wear big thick, large bifocals. Needless to say, I still remember the bullying and teasing. I distinctly recall a student in my 4th grade class asking me for the answers to the test that we were to have on the following day. I thought this was an odd question and I asked "why, how would I know". His response was a 1-2 knockout barrage of- "with glasses that big, you should be able to see into the future!"
- I was against the ropes... Then he added "You look like you're wearing Juney's (our class goldfish) fish tank. Do we all look like fish to you?"
The class was in stitches, and I was in tears on the inside.
That afternoon, when my mom arrived to get me and my cousins (whom also attended this same school), I nearly broke down crying while retelling how my day went...
After a brief consoling from my mom, and snickering from my cousins, something happened. My mom asked me what I was going to do?
What do you mean what am I going to do.... I want to fight!!!! But fighting wasn't an option unless someone hit you first in my household...
My cousin, who's a few years older than me says "well you better do something, or I'm gonna beat you and him up for it"
What? What kind of psychology was this? But then it clicked. I had to learn to defend myself. My mother and/or cousin could have gone and handled MY problem; but then what would that have taught the bully? What would it have taught me? I for sure didn't want to give the boy more ammo on me for having my mom and cousin fight my battles.... So I made a decision. I was going to play his game. I remember all the cliches of "fighting fire with fire", and "beat em at their own game". Now they made sense. Needless to say, the teasing began, and I was ready. When the obligatory "4 eyes" and "coke bottles" began flying, I hit him with my best shot.... "You look like a broken transformer".
It was horrible. Now I'd made a horrendous retort that prompted MORE ridicule... But at 9 years old, the only thing I knew were cartoons, toys, music, and school! But I kept at. I kept on standing up for myself. Even in defeat. Until my conquest of the little bully. I broke him down in one fell swoop.
"That's why your mom looks like He-man"
Class over. He had no response. He couldn't reply. I began to take off my glasses to respond to whatever snap he tried to say. He was done. The class no longer saw him as the funny guy. Now they saw him as the bully. They also saw me as someone who could defend himself, and if I did it.... Then they could too. It was great. From then on, I'd hone my skills of battling people with words. It not only helped me stand up for myself, but it also gave me confidence in various situations. A shy kid learning to talk and entertain while overcoming shortcomings and defending himself- Go figure!
Now flash forward back to high school and this lovely heavyset girl that's being "picked" on and bullied. This girl who was an honor roll student. and never bothered anyone. Her only problem to the other kids was that she was fat to them. The jokes were mean, hateful, and furious. And before I knew it, I’d said one. "You're so big, you tripped on Houston and landed in Dallas". Juvenile teens erupt in laughter. Teacher comes back in to see what is going on. We are holding in our laughs, until I happen to look at her. She seemed to have tears in her eyes. Did I actually become the bully from my 4th grade class? At this moment, I switched it up. I started going after everyone. I began to "rank" on all the others for her. I hit everyone. One by one. The laughs were coming, but now it was on them. And once a few say what I was doing, they began to get quiet. I went at all: Fat, skinny, short, tall, ugly, pretty, dumb, gay, everyone. I had a joke for all. Then afterwards I finished off with saying (way before it was cool to say, but nowhere near as cleverly), that that's what she told me to say.. more laughter. But I noticed an interesting dynamic. Now she wasn't the target, she was a participant. She was as much a part of the pack as anyone else in that class. We all began to not jump on one person. We started to see that everyone was flawed in some form. And it was fine. It is OK to be flawed.
After class ended, she actually said thanks to me and smiled. She actually even became friends with some of those in that class.
But today in school, something has changed. Students can't come to these realizations and self discoveries because the parents either want to do it for them, or remove the whole experience from them. This is hindering kids from being able to make REAL choices. Seeing their way to REAL decisions. Handling conflict resolution. There is a huge difference in saying, I don't bully because I can't, and I don't bully because it's not right to.
This is quite unpopular to say since it's trendy to be "anti bully" and so forth on social media. The pictures and memes flying around tug at that part of you that was hurt from child hood. What happens is we forget. We lose sight if the fact that these obstacles are what made us. Today it may drive you, encourage you, equip you to help others, or could be a basis for positive human interaction. You persevered. You developed your friends anyway. You learned what you would and wouldn't do from it. Yes, there are those who were bullies then, and are bullies now. But it's not about them. It's about you. You made it.
Therefore... Bullying has its place. Stop withholding kids from learning conflict resolution and social overcoming. Don't keep a child from an opportunity to experience human interaction; whether good or bad. This denies a natural consonance that is ingrained within the DNA of us to find our own purpose and balance. Standing up to a bully was, and still is, a right of passage. Nearly every movie you see is founded on this one principle. (Clark Kent and Peter Parker, anyone?)
Now, by all means, I am in NO WAY talking about abuse. Those that are physically abusive, causing bodily or sexual harm; or adult/child verbal abuse is a crime and should be punished beyond the extent of the law.
But this isn't about (physical/sexual) abuse, I'm speaking about having to learn principles during a child's formidable years that can/will translate into adulthood.By removing bullying as a form of sheltering, one seems to lend justification to those that overreact in counter intuitive or violent ways. Kids are smart. They have an excuse. They have a label to attach to an act that has now been deemed taboo That's unacceptable. As unacceptable as the act is, giving a person the ability to use such a asinine excuse is also unacceptable.
But this isn't about abuse.,I'm speaking about having to learn principles during a child's formidable years that can/will translate into adulthood. By removing bullying from the lexicon of school life as a direct form of "sheltering" seems to lend justification to those that overreact in counter intuitive or violent ways. Kids are smart. They see what works. IF using the "Bullying" card gets you sympathy, expect it to be played. The students have an excuse. They have a label to attach to an act that has now been deemed taboo. That is unacceptable. As unacceptable as the act itself is, giving a person the ability to use such an asinine excuse is just as unacceptable.
To remove the ability to learn constructively on how to deal with the harshness of the social dynamic, you are stunting their growth.
Remember, there is a huge difference between saying that you don't bully because you can't, or you don't bully because you won't. Kids must be able to navigate in the real world and future workplaces.A world that is all the more "clickish" and filed with more bullying than any school could ever be.
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